Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Query - Posted Here

First off, let me say - my job is not in jeopardy.  Apparently I expected the worst and only got bad (but I can live with bad - I might not be happy, but that's another thing).

Now on with the title of my post.  I've decided to post my query here.  For you few people who follow, I would really appreciate your opinion (and for those of you who read and don't follow - you can e-mail me separately if you want.  I won't mind).  I was told I finally "nailed it".  This, from a person who has read (and loves) my book.  I'd like to think I really did nail it, but I won't know until I start to use it.  I'm just not sure WHEN I want to use it.  Should I wait until I hear back from the contest in October or just GO FOR IT?  Decisions, decisions.  Anyway, here is the query for my book, THE UNCOMMON ONE, a paranormal romance.

When a newly undead vampire cautiously re-enters society, he falls in love with the one human who can expose him for what he is.

John Pennington is focused on becoming the perfect ordinary mortal. He moves into the city, buys a sports bar, and works as the bartender. Dating is out of the question – he is a vampire after all. Then he meets Sarah Daugherty.

He’s uncommonly drawn to her and touching her generates a warmth he never thought he would experience again. But keeping his identity a secret from her is tougher than he expected. Unlike other mortals, he can’t read her thoughts or enter her mind. If she should discover his identity he’d have no way to wipe her memory – standard practice for repairing vampire slip-ups.

Even with his fears, life is amazing with her in it. He feels more human around her and is unwilling to give that up. In love for the first time, he knows she’s a risk worth taking.

After surviving an abusive ex-husband, Sarah is wary of any man’s interest. But John is different. He seems to care what she thinks and values her opinion. Then she finds out what he is and runs. Unable to forget the loving and kind way he treated her, she realizes she cares for him and goes back to face the challenges of dating a vampire.

While they begin their relationship, someone else is determined to end it. Sarah’s life is in danger and John must find the person responsible before she’s lost to him forever.

Okay - so give me your best shot.  Does this intrigue you to want to read more (even if you're not into romance)?  I appreciate all comments.

6 comments:

James Garcia Jr said...

Hi, Stacy. I read the query, but it is one of the last things I am doing before shutting down my pc for the night. I will come back and read it again tomorrow with new eyes. If you do not hear from me, give me a yell by way of a reminder. My trusty iPhone will get my attention!!
Have a good night.
--James

Piedmont Writer said...

I like it. I don't read paranormal but I think it's good.

For what it's worth, I would start to send out the query now. What could it hurt? If you land an agent now, you'll be in a better position when the contest ends - you may not final - and if you do, the agent will be on board.

KAK said...

I love the hook.

I'm looking for what makes this story different from other vampire romances. What's the twist on the myth that adds to the conflict?

Perhaps focusing the second and third paragraphs on the GMC's for John and Sarah will reveal the unique "gotcha" of this vampire romance.

As for when to start querying, I agree with Piedmont, there is no time like now.

Stacy McKitrick said...

Days later and I finally respond. I really suck at these blog things, don't I?

Anyway, I appreciate your comments. I did send this query out to two more people. Already got a form rejection letter from one. Maybe I'll get around to sending more out this weekend. Right now, I'd rather write than send out queries! It's less depressing!

James Garcia Jr said...

Stacy, before I begin I have a question: "Do you have any salt? At least one grain?"
Anything that I could tell you is simply one opinion, and you should treat it as such. If anything in the following sounds good, use it. If it doesn't, take it under advisement. LOL!

Okay. Here's what the query should do: it should catch my attention and do it early. Lastly, it should make me want to write the author's name and title of the novel down, or better yet, immediately surf over to Amazon.com to pick up my copy. Luckily for me, my Kindle will download it in less than 60 seconds. ;)

Anyway, you do not want to give too much away. It's a teaser and that is all. Having said that, I like the middle paragraphs. They tell me things but do not give everything away. If it were possible, I would try to spice up the first and last paragraphs.
The first should grab my attention as if a giant fishhook just became embedded in my cheek. I would say it is currently only warm. I would like it a bit hotter, if that makes any sense. Is there anything about him recently becoming a vampire of interest? Was it horrific? Did he lose family, friends?
Lastly, w/ the last paragraph, I get very little of this danger or plot twist that occurs. Can you tell me more so that I might really need to hear just what the threat might be. Again, you don't want to give it all away, but perhaps just a bit more.

Your novel is different from all of the competition out there, right? Show me how. Convince me.
Once again, it is only one opinion.
Good luck to you. I look forward to hearing good news from you in the very near future with regards to your work...whether you use any of my advice or not. I have no problem eating crow as long as it is at your book signing and there are adult beverages.
Have a great weekend.

Stacy McKitrick said...

Thanks for commenting, James. It's always nice to get other opinions and see what works and what doesn't. I'm just too close to it, I can't see straight!